time change. but i didnt

for the past three weeks I've realised that something is changing

i am changing

physically yes. but I'm not talking about that since ppl will tell that i'll brag.

but no. i shall not brag about it

because the road ain't come to an end yet my darlings.

what i realise that i'm changing inside .

i've becoming the person i dont want to become again.

the horrible super emo super period bitch

i'll create another chapter of disaster in my life.

Oh God!. dun tell me its gonna happen again

its something inside of me that im really worried about

the moment i say yes.. u can enter my life.

then i'm not that person who can ha-ha all the time.

hmmm.. im kinda bit weird if i am committed to someone.

i mean commited as if i tak boley layan another person in my life!!!

it bothers me and it scares a shit out of me!

u know.. all the 'i need attention'.. i need that cuddle wuddle crap.

yup, i am that annoying kind of bitch

juz becoz i can give bits and pieces of heart easily.

yes.. I'm turning into a monster again.

i cant totally understand u

I'm too terrified to ask.

and seriously.

i dun want the viscous cycle to come again

and eat me deeply

i need a heart therapy

give me some electric shock or something

i need to realise. that this will never go anywhere.

i need to say stop and begone with it.

the more i indulge myself in this never ending hormones in my body.

i am actually committing suicide.

i can actually write about my fantasies

dreams and desires

it can be more fun but since this is a public declaration of emotions and thoughts.

i'll passed~.

peeps,

u can judge me. but u cant never change me.

im different from u people. u will never never understand.

opening up to people is not easy task to do.

if my life has been as white and clean cloth

i'll be happy

i've been brought up with many challenges.

i've been there. that black alley.

the alley that always haunt me for the rest of my life

but still i am different from others. *if u know what i mean*

i've tried my best even i went for so many therapies.

but yeah i've bornt with psycho-social problems that

i know it will eat me in the future.

even if i denied it. it will haunt me eternally.

trust me. the man u saw smiling happily is the man who always cries in the bathroom alone.

the man u saw jokes around. is the man who always being the guy who've been joked about.

people who knew me

they can talk.

but only me who knows the real story.

i have many friends to laugh.

to open up myself and be once not to be judged : NONE!

i've always open up to God!. talking to myself as if He besides me and heard me talking.

thanks to U, my Mighty God~ coz u'll always be there.

eventough people around me is non existance. ;(

i've become a realist to my life all this while

saying : its okay, not all people love u , like u. they laugh with me but can they cry with me.? hahah

saying : its okay Arif, no one will understand, u'll always be in the dark.

with tears rolling from my eyes. in front of the mirror.

once i've tried comitted suicide.

but that's a different story all together.

but yeah for now i am not me anymore.

now i dun want to wet this laptop anymore.

so shall i say : this is it for now?

yes . i'll be writing to u another time

till then~